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Hiatus [Aug. 18th, 2014|06:40 pm]
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Miss me?  If you haven't already realized, I haven't written anything in over a month. Why not? There's no short answer for that. It's a cocktail of being busy, stressed out, sad, anxious, and more. On a base level, I'm doing fine, at least physically. Work is going to wrap up in a few weeks, and I haven't been able to arrange my next job yet. I've applied to a few things, want to try some other things.  I've budgeted things out so I should be good for most of September, but October will be sketchy. I think I have enough savings to get through it. Hopefully when work ends I'll have more time to really pursue the job hunt.  Next week isn't looking good.  In part cause I'm taking Sunday/Monday off to go to Chicago. It's a six hour drive, but it will give me time to think through some things.

I've written a couple of entries, but I don't think I'll post them. They are kind of dark...and I don't need that right now (If anyone is curious, maybe I'll post it as a locked entry.) I need to move beyond that and think positive.  I need to not dwell on my mistakes, and think about what I can do right now. But for me, that's easier said than done.

Probably won't write another entry until work winds down.  Seriously considering whether or not it's time to call it quits for this livejournal....
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Brief entry [Jul. 6th, 2014|11:30 pm]
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I kind of wrote an entry for this week, but I think it’s junk and I don’t want to post it.  I basically was saying the same thing over and over again.  I’m frustrated at myself because I haven’t made any progress on the job hunt goal despite having ample opportunity to do so over the last few weeks. But whining about how much I suck isn’t going to solve anything.  I need to learn how to get over my past failures, and work towards future successes.  So that’s what I’m going to do.  I’m going to get ready for bed, get some sleep, and try to wake up early tomorrow to accomplish somethings before I go to work tomorrow. That is all.
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30 Minute update [Jun. 24th, 2014|09:40 am]
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Yeah, I know I’m late with this one.  I’m not sure how late though because I’ve loss all sense of time, and I don’t have any to go back and look it up. I’m trying to write all of this entry in less than 30 minutes, so it’s going to seem a little rushed since it’s mostly just stream of consciousness. So the plan is going, but not as well as I’d like. The biggest problem I’m having is finding the time to apply to these “other jobs.” Basically, I get one day off a week, and what usually happens is that I sleep in to noon on that day, then spend the rest of the day catching up on house cleaning, bills, or shopping. Despite this, I have made some headway on the job search, but I haven’t got to the point where I’ve applied to anything yet. I’m trying to wake myself up earlier so that I can work on things in the morning before work, and that has met with some success. And if my budgeting is correct, I will have sometime in September where I’m not working as much, but I can still live off what I’ve earned to make ends met. So if worse comes to worse, I’ll have nothing but time to look for another job. I’m pretty committed to staying in the area though, so maybe that will make things easier.

As for my current job, I don’t know. The actual job is easy enough, it’s just everything surrounding it that sucks. The hours are long, and the pay is low, but I knew that going into it. But now the parking lot has been flooded for the last week, and management has no idea what to do with the underlings who have to drive to work everyday. Now we have to park offsite and take a shuttle into work. It basically means I have to spend more time getting to and from work, which means less time for everything else. I’m also getting less hours too. I don’t really want to go into why, but suffice to say it’s not my fault (it’s happening to everyone in my area) and it should only be temporary.  You would think this would be good for me, and it is. However, on the other hand, my budget is pretty tight.  If I only get 40 hours a week, I’ll barely be able to make ends meet.  50 hours a week is what I use for planning, and 55 to 60 is what I usually get. And the budget for this next month is already pretty tight. Other than that, I’m doing very well in the job. I got employee of the week status last week.  Of course, I’d me more concerned if I wasn’t doing well.

To end on a more positive note, I haven’t been really depressed since I moved here. I don’t really have the time to be.  The worst I get is disappointed in myself that I’m working a job at a time in my life where I should be in bigger and better things. Sometimes that makes me angry, sometimes I feel I’m just stupid, other times it just makes me sad. It’s frustrating that I don’t have my act together at this point in my life. Of course, I’m also feeling that underlying anxiety about what I’m going to do when September comes. But I know that I don’t have to sit here and be passive about everything.  I can take action and do something. Unfortunately due to time restrictions, something is going to have to give, and that’s going to be these updates. I’m not going to quit exactly, but being late is going to be the norm for a while. Honestly, it’s really hard to write these when I know I can be using that time to do other things, like cleaning or job hunting. And this isn’t the first thing I had to cut back on.  I don’t really cook that much anymore, and I don’t exercise anymore, and I hardly ever ride my bike.  I still play video games, but mainly at work during my break. And my podcast backlog is mighty indeed.

Wow, I can really drone on for 30 minutes.  Though to be honest, it was more like 35 minutes.
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Living in the Cities [Jun. 11th, 2014|03:22 pm]
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These 55+ hour work weeks are causing me to really loose track of time.  I’ve only been at the new job for a couple weeks, but it feels like I’ve been there a month. I think back to things that happened just last week, and it seems like ages ago. But truthfully, a lot has happened since my last update.  Probably the biggest thing is I finally moved into my new apartment.  Not sure I’ve talked about this before. I ended up finding a guy on craigslist who was subleasing his apartment.  He wanted to move out, but still had four months left on his lease, so I’m taking over the apartment for those last few months with the option to renew the lease. The location is good.  I’m close enough to my new job, but still on the MSP bus line. It’s a one bedroom, but the price is pretty good.  I’m paying what I would be for a efficiency elsewhere with everything but electricity included. It’s about the size of my Milwaukee apartment, but about $55 cheaper with cat. I’m also enjoying the location.  A bunch of restaurants are within walking distance, with grocery stories in biking distance. All in all, I’m pretty happy with it so far. The guy won previous lived here even left a love seat behind, and it’s in pretty good condition, so yay free furniture.

Unfortunately, that mold problem has reared it’s ugly head again.  I had to throw a good portion of my boxes for some of my electronics.  The TV is fine, but its remote won’t work anymore.  Lamps and futon are kind of dirty and need to be cleaned, and all kitchen ware needs to be washed (and I don’t have a dishwasher, so I have to do it all by hand.) Most of my free time recently has been dedicated to cleaning. Also don’t have that much time to cook, and I didn’t bring any actual food with me, so my fridge is pathetically bare.

I only tried to bring the bare essentials, as I wanted to be prepared incase my plan fails and I have to move back. But just with the cost of moving alone, I really don’t want to do that, and I think at this point, when I have to decide what to do at the end of July, I think I’m going to renew. But that makes finding a new job imperative.  Biggest problem will be finding the right kind of job.  I’m seeing all sorts of places applying, but they are low paying jobs that I don’t really want to do, nor would they take advantage of my abilities which is the biggest problem with my current job. It’s too easy.  I mean, the hours are long, but I am capable of so much more.  So it doesn’t make much sense right now to quit that job in favor of a similar job, albeit one that’s more permanent. The job does depress me sometimes because I know I’m qualified for more. But it was a means to an end. I think I can stick with it for all summer if need be, and I might even keep it even if I do find a new job (I can always use the extra money). Though I’d need a reduction in hours.

But I need to do this because I want to say.  Everything outside of work has been wonderful, and overall I’ve been quite happy. I just love the urban environment.  Everything is so close by and there’s always stuff going on. Like a couple weeks ago, I went to see a midnight showing of Princesses Mononoke, and this week, I’m going to see Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie at midnight. And every morning, and where ever I drive, I get to listen to my favorite radio station (89.3 the current). This is where I want to be. Now I just need to figure out how to stay. But that’s a subject for next time.
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First Week [May. 23rd, 2014|08:46 pm]
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Well, I’ve completed my first week at the new job. I still can’t tell if I like the job or not.  I can’t say that I’ve had a “good” day yet. Parts of the days have been good, but they are so long eventually something bad happens. The long, long hours are probably the worst part of the job, but this week I have some shorter shifts coming up, so maybe that will change things a bit. I also keep making stupid mistakes.  Yeah, I know I’m a beginner, so that’s expected, but still, it sucks.  Even if I don’t like the job, I still want to be good at it. To top everything off, I also got sick too! I don’t know how that happened, especially since i was sick with some kind of stomach infection the weekend before I started. But starting Monday, I started to cough.  I figured I just wasn’t used to talking so much (I have to talk a lot as a part of my job). But it continued into Tuesday, leading to a very crappy night of sleep.  I did go out and get some cold medicine on Wednesday, and finally started to clear up on Friday.  Just in time for me to get sunburnt on Thursday. And I’m still a little flemmy, but at least I don’t need medication to moderate it anymore. Jeez, I just have the worst luck, right?

But the job is going now, and I think I can stick it out for the rest of the summer if need be.  However, I need to start phase two now, but I am dragging my feet on it. I wanted to start the week before I moved, but I didn’t.  I wanted to do some work on it on Wednesday, but again, I didn’t. I am very concerned about how I’m going to make this work.  Wednesday was my day off, so I spent it going around town, and it just reminded me how much I like living in a large metropolitan area. Mainly cause I can always find something to do that’s I find interesting.  Like, on Wednesday, I went to Mall of America primarily to see a the Star Trek Exhibition (quick review, it was kind of meh.  The light it so dark, it was hard to see everything, a bunch of stuff they had on display was replicas, They had a replica bridge of the original Enterprise that you could walk around in and have your picture take, so that was neat, but I was always a bigger fan of TNG and DS9.) And this weekend, I found that an indie cinema in Uptown is doing a midnight movie series. This weekend is subbed Princess Mononoke, next weekend it’s The Room/ Rocky Horror. Two weeks later is MST3k the movie, and the week after that is Labyrinth.

I want to stay here, so I need to get busy to make that happen because before I know it, it the summer will be over and I’ll have to take a couple more bad jobs in order to stay. Part of my problem right now is that I don’t have stable internet access. I”m pretty much limited to places that offer free wifi.  The other problem is I don’t know where to start looking.  There are so many options open to me and so many directions I can go. It’s intimidating, and I know that’s causing me to drag my feet on things.  So I don’t know what to do. Maybe things will be better when I move into my apartment next week.  Even then, It looks like I’ll have to wait to have internet. Of course, work will probably keep me busy until I have internet access and time to really start looking for a job.  Sigh, life is hard.

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The Plan Starts Now [May. 15th, 2014|10:56 am]
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The plan I’ve been operating under is in full swing now.  I can’t turn back even if I wanted to. Last time (or the time before), I expressed somewhat my concerns about this plan. But now I’ve had a taste of what the job will be like, so I’d like to reflect upon that for a while.  I’m not quite sure I will ever come to “like” this job as I’ve liked previous jobs I’ve held.  The hours are too long and the pay is too low, and that is on top of concerns that I’m too old  and over educated to be doing this kind of work. But on the same token, I can also seem me not loathing it too. Best case, it’s not the job I deserve, but the job I need.

I can also see this job as being good for me too. I’ve been increasingly in isolation since my last full time job ended to the point where I can easily go days without talking. Even at the part time job, I mostly worked in isolation. Given my insular nature, you would think I’d like that, but I recognize I do have some socialization problems. Working in isolation does nothing but exacerbate these problems. That won’t be the case with this job. Most of the day, I’ll be interacting with guest.  And if I don’t, then there will also be coworkers to talk to.  Given that there is little else to do while on the job, I’m guessing I will be reigniting these dormant skills. For fun, I’m going to challenge myself to see what kind of crazy, yet delightful things I can say to people.  I know I’m a littler weird, but I like to prove it’s in the mostly harmless kind of way.

I’m not looking forward to the onslaught of hours I have to work in the coming days, and I hope its not a sign of things to come.  Starting tomorrow, I’m working a 14 hour day followed by two 12 hour days. I’m expecting to be throughly exhausted come Sunday night. Hopefully the schedule won’t always be that intense or I’ll burn out very quickly. I probably don’t want to spend a lot of time at my temporary living situation (hereafter dubbed the TLS, so maybe it’s best I emerge myself in work. I know my bank account needs it, as fund are running dry. The other potential benefit to working so much is that I know my off time will be valuable, so I’ll have to use it wisely.

I’m probably more curious than anyone else how these next few days will go. I’ve been seeing a lot of “Now hiring” jobs around town already, but it’s mostly for other low end jobs that will probably barely pay better than what I have now, or they only offer part time hours. I’m tempted to apply to these just to have something permanent, but I want to see how the job I have now plays out.  If I don’t like it, then I will more likely apply to these jobs sooner than I would otherwise.  But if I think I’ll be able to tolerate it, then maybe I’ll stick to my original plan of looking into those jobs around Mid-July/August. Of course, as soon as I get the time, I am going to start looking for more higher end jobs right away.  I was hoping to do some of that last week, but I got dreadfully sick with a digestive system infection (either viral or food poisoning, the symptoms for both were the same), and that knocked me out From Thursday night until Monday.  I’m kind of impressed I was able to get everything organized and packed in one day.  Still not quite over that, and now I’m kind of behind on all the things I wanted to have ready by now.

I guess what’s really important is to just make the most of the time I have. I don’t have much for today. I thought I’d also have to work tonight, but it turns out I don’t.  So I’m going to move into the TLS, get myself situated there, buy some groceries for breakfasts and snacks, and then spend the rest of the day preparing myself.  And oh yeah, going to see Godzilla tonight.  Given my nickname and the good reviews, you know I’m super excited about that.

I guess I’ll leave you all with the song that I’ve been taking inspiration from right now. It’s by Cloud Cult, the band I saw live twice this year.

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Making it Work [Apr. 30th, 2014|08:29 pm]
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Here’s an extremely late update because I’ve been extremely busy lately. There was hunting for an apartment in the cities, buying a used car, and No Brand Con complete with getting sick from that all on top of working more than usually at my current job (figures, now that I put in my 2 weeks, I get a crazy amount of hours). So yeah, I’ve been busy.  Still have to go up to the cities again this weekend to sign the lease and do orientation. Then I get a week “off” (will still have to work my current job for an unknown amount of hours next week.  At least one day with the possibility of more) before the big move in 2 weeks time.  Suffice to say, I’ve a lot on my mind right now.

To reiterate, or to at least make it a little more clear in my mind, here is “the plan.” I’ve secured a summer job up in the cities. The hours are long and the pay isn’t great, but it’s full time, so I should be able to support myself up there. The idea is that while I work that job, I will apply to other, long term jobs. I want to start looking next week, but I’ll see how busy I end up being then. I’m subleasing an apartment, fulfilling the remaining four months on his lease (June through september). This will give me an local address to use on applications, resumes, and cover letters. I will first try for higher paying entry level jobs that make use of my current diverse skill set. If that doesn’t work out, then I will basically lower myself to almost anything, so long as I can make ends meet.  This will be tricky, because if I want to keep the apartment, I’ll have to sign another lease at the end of July, so I basically have only 2 months to find something.  Otherwise, if I don’t sign, and I do find something, I’ll have to find a new place by the end of September. Worse case scenario and I can’t find a job, then I move back here and see if I can go back to my current job.

There is still some fuzziness about this plan, mainly about what to do during the two weeks I don’t have the apartment, but I’m scheduled to start work. I might be able to move into the apartment early, but I don’t know how early. I could stay at an hotel, but that eat up most of what I’d earn in an 8 hour work day. One friend has offered to put me up a little, but it didn’t sound like I could stay there the full two weeks, and I wouldn’t want to impose by staying longer than a couple days. I could drive back to my dad’s house on the day I don’t have to work, but that’s a long drive. And finally, I could always resort to “urban camping.” (i.e., sleeping in the back of my car). I’ll probably end up using a mix of all three, though not the last one if I can help it.  Moving in will also be a pain.  Probably going to bring the bare nessceties, so I don’t have that much to move if I have to move again or things just don’t work out.

There is definitely risk in this plan, so I’m somewhat worried about a lot of it. Risk hasn’t paid off for me in the past. That’s kind of how I’m in my current situation. The biggest thing I’m worried about is that the long hours will take a lot out of me, so I won’t have time to search for this “other job.” I can’t figure out anyway around this obstacle besides just forcing myself to do it. Actually, it might help if I hate this new job, as I would be even more motivated to find another job.  I already having my misgivings about it, seeing as most of my coworkers will be significantly younger than me. But the free time factor will be an issue.  That’s why I’ve already dropped the volunteering aspect of my plan. that I’ve mentioned when talking about it before (though I might set up some informal interviews just to meet people and get my name out there in the local museum community). Additionally, I’m not sure how easy getting another job will be. This has always been my great stumbling block in the past, and it’s why I’m in my current situation. I’m hoping that given a wide metropolitan area, I will be able to find SOMETHING to keep me going. I guess I’ll have a better sense of this when I actually do it. And there there are the things I haven’t even considered! I can’t tell you what those might be, cause I don’t know myself. And of course, there’s always something random like accidents, illnesses, and all sorts of random things like that.

This all sounds rather dour, but I have to believe that it will work out. If it does, I’ll be in a much better situation to deal with my life and rebuild my confidence in myself.  I shouldn’t have an escape route planed, as it suggest that I believe my plan won’t work (though I guess not having one would be like launching a ship without lifeboats). There is a story that when Cortes reached the Mexico, he burned his ships so his men had no choice but to go forward.  Of course this story is apocryphal, and I probably should not use a Conquistador as a role model, but you see what I’m getting at. If I can’t go back, then I can only go forward, and that is the mind set I need to have to make this work.

I can make this work.  I have been very hard on myself in recent years, so now I need to learn to forgive myself. The past is done, I can’t change anything about it.  I’ve made some mistakes , sure, and boy do I have regrets.  But at this moment, none of that matters. My future is still open. I’m still young enough to make a change. I’m going to make it through this, you’ll see.  And when I do, I will come out of it stronger than ever before. 

Alright! Let’s do this!

(side note: While I’ll try to keep this updated as much as I can, it really is my lowest priority. Updates will probably be much shorter and very random.  If you haven’t heard from me in a while, assume I’m busy making it work.)

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Moving Around [Apr. 13th, 2014|07:54 pm]
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As i prepare for the new job, April is going to be pretty busy, with a lot of traveling for me. Late this week, I need to go up to the Cities to do some paper work, and I’m going to use the opportunity to look at apartments too. The week after that I head back north for No Brand Con. The week after, I go back to the cities for training over the weekend. And this weekend I was in Rockford on Friday to go to a concert. I debated going to it until about 2 days before, since I was already doing a lot of driving, and I had to work on Friday. So it kind of seemed like a bad idea to go, but Rockford is only 2 hours away. I’ve down shows in Madison, and going from downtown to home is about an hour and half for me, so two hours didn’t seem like that much. And I figured once my summer job starts, I won’t have anytime to get away.  I also got a chance to catch the Grand Budapest Hotel since I had a bunch of time to kill before the show.

I’m glad I went because it was a pretty good show in a very small venue.The band I saw was Cloud Cult, and I had just seen them about a month ago in Madison. But they’re doing a special show on this tour where they did an acoustic set followed by an electric set. I’m a sucker for special shows, especially for bands that mean a lot to me. They played a super small venue that was basically a bar with a stage, and they packed the place. The stage was so small, they could only have one painter. They have 2 artist on the stage with paint a blank canvas during the show, then it’s sold via a silent auction at the mercy table. It might sound a little pretentious, but I like it. The stage had windows to the outside all around it, and several times I noticed people stopping to get a look at what was going on. I made it home afterwards with no problems, except that the entire trip took a lot out of me, so I’ve been recovering from it for most of the weekend. 
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Breaking Out [Mar. 30th, 2014|07:53 pm]
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Last week, I interviewed and successfully obtained summer employment at an amusement park outside of the Twin Cities. I’ll start in May. The pay isn’t great, but it is full time (40-50 a week). I didn’t take the job for the money.  More important to me is that it will give me 3 to 4 months to live in the MSP metropolitan area where I can look for other avenues of full time employment. This is a modification of a plan I wrote about here a few weeks ago, where I would just pick up and go live in a city while I search for employment there. But this way, I’ll be ensured an income stream while I make this plan come to fruition. The Cities were one of the places I thought about moving to, but I was also considering other places too. But I think it is better I go somewhere I know I will like, and I place that I have connections too. For example, I’m currently listening to the current, a radio station that is located there) while I write this.

There’s much for me to do in the coming up while I prepare for the move.  I know they have a decent public transit system, but I do have concerns about actually getting into the city to use it, as I don’t think it runs that far out of town on a consistent basis.  I’m still not sure I can afford a car, but I can get pretty far on my bike. Still, I am considering maybe getting a moped too. I also need to decide where to live. I know my place of employment offers dorms that will probably be the cheapest option, but I looked into it, and I don’t think that would be a good option for me. I’d have to share the room with 4 other guys (or worst, bros), and I haven’t had the greatest experiences with non-feline roommates. I would probably have to leave Kitty, my family’s cat that I brought to first Milwaukee then Texas, behind at my family’s home. She’ll be 14 this year, so I’m not sure how much longer she’ll live.  Of course, if I go the apartment route, my expenses will be much greater. I figure I’ll probably making about 1000 a month after taxes, and probably half of that would go to rent, and that’s without utilities. Plus, transportation becomes a problem too. Like I said earlier though, I didn’t take the job for the money. It might be a good idea to start putting down roots in the area. These are things I need to really consider, and make up my mind about soon.

This doesn’t mean that I have to stop applying to museums in other parts of the country, but I think I will. Let’s face it, my current plan just hasn’t worked, so I need to take a new tact. And I think part of that tact should be putting down roots somewhere. But that doesn’t mean I have to give up museums completely. The other thing I want to do is get involved with the area’s museum community on a voluntary basis.  This will make me a known commodity, with the hopes that I’ll make it easier for me to get a job if they know me and what I can do. I’ve tried to do that while living here, but it hasn’t work out so well. I’m hoping that the somewhat larger operations in the cities will be better equipped to deal with someone with my skills and experiences.

So there’s still a lot for me to figure out. I am scared and nervous about all of this too. Theres a chance I might not like this job, and everyday will be hell for me.  But it is better than what I got now, and it will only be for a few months.  If I truly hate it, then all the more motivation to find something else. And if I don’t find something else, then I’ll just move back here. I’m sure my current job would take me back around the xmas season again. The important thing is that this is forward momentum. This is the thing I need to do to make my life better. I’m hopping that the energy and excitement of living in a new area will be enough that by the time the job starts to wear on me, it’ll be over. And that’s what I need this year to be.
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Short Angry Man [Mar. 17th, 2014|12:31 pm]
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I am a deeply flawed human being. I mean, everybody is, and I’m sure there are people out there more flawed than me. Of course the word flawed implies that there is a perfect ideal of what it is to be people, which is entirely subjective, and already I’m getting off track.  The point is, I got problems. Today’s entry is going to focus on one of those problems that I don’t think I really express well. I’ve becoming increasingly apparent that I have anger issues. I try very hard to hide this side of my personality form the world, so I’m not sure how apparently this is to others. I know showing being angry can easily lead to bad places, so I try to contain in as much as I can. I also don’t want to be an affirmation of the stereotype of short angry man.  However, it occurs to me that this constant repression is probably causing me more problems than good.

I internalize a lot of my anger. I think this leads to a lot of my self loafing and depression.  It cause me to think that I am not a good person nor can I be a good person because I have all of this anger. I think that people won’t like me if they now how angry I can get. So I bottle it up until the bottle goes crack, and then I get wrathful. Fortunately, I even then I don’t express anger with violence against living things. At worse, it’s emotional abuse often expressed by closing off communication with the person I’m angry with. In other words, I ignore them. And if I’m not angry at a specific person, then sometimes I’ll just try to shut out the world. I need to learn how to become more open with my emotions.  I need to learn how to let people in so that they can help me to deal with things.  And that’s something that is incredibly hard for me to do.

I don’t want to be hateful. I don’t want to hate the world and humanity. But there are times that I’m going to be angry. I need to learn that it’s not always my fault, and sometimes my rage is justifiable. People can be shitty. That’s why some people need the light to show them the way. That’s why I don’t fault people for having religion, if it helps them be a better person.  Of course, if they use their religion as an excuse to be small minded and hateful, then I have a problem with it. But, I need to learn how express my feelings more openly to people. Basically, I need to be more open in general. Life is hard, and I like to hide behind the wall.

Life continues to be uneventful for me. I did have an epiphany about the plans I talked about last week. It’s not an either or situation.  I can continue to follow all three if I want. However, I’m extremely doubtful about going back to school. Basically, I don’t want anymore debt, and I don’t think I can go back to school without occurring more debt, so I’m continue to discount that option. I did discover another route for the moving to another city that might work, but I’m having second thoughts about it.  In any cause, I’m going to keep a tight lid on it.
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